The Club No Mom Wants to Join

I've gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post this.  (I'm still not sure if I'll ever it publish. But I guess if you're reading it you know I took the plunge) We've been on a bit of a roller coaster the last few weeks.  I joined a club two weeks ago that no woman ever wants to join.  I had a miscarriage.  We are, of course, heartbroken and sad.  For 4 weeks we've been planning a life with this sweet baby.  We've been planning a new "Big Boy Room" for Barrett.  We've been planning a new nursery (even though I pretty much want it to look exactly like the original nursery).  We've talked names and double strollers.  We've talked about Barrett becoming a big brother and what it's going to be like having two kids when the holidays roll around.  For 4 weeks that sweet baby was very real.

We had not told anyone.  We were planning to tell our parents after our first appointment.  The only people that knew were my little brother and sister-in-law (and my friend Brittany, but only because I didn't drink a margarita at a mexican restaurant.)  We enjoyed it being our little secret.  I didn't want anyone worrying (which is ironic now).  Everything was going well.  I was limiting myself to one cup of coffee in the morning and no sodas.  I was taking my vitamins everyday, I always forgot with Barrett.  I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Barrett I knew immediately he was a boy.  I just had a feeling.  I had no gut feelings this time.  Which I told Patrick was kind of odd to me since I was so sure with Barrett.  I didn't think much of it.  We were scheduled for our first appointment Tuesday, February 10th.  We were like any expectant parents excited and nervous.  That morning I started bleeding.  Not a whole lot but enough to be a concern.  I wasn't having any pain so I tried to tell myself that everything was fine.  

We got to the doctors office.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon.  They immediately sent us over for an ultrasound to ease our minds.  By my calculations I should have been 7 weeks 4 days.  With Barrett we saw the heartbeat so that's what we fully expected to see and hear.  We went in for the ultrasound.  The tech got started and I knew she didn't see what we were expecting to see.  I remember with Barrett she almost immediately told us she saw the heartbeat and we got to hear it.  You could have heard crickets this time.   She finished and was so sweet to us.  She told us there was no baby, just a gestational sac.  She said I could be not as far along as I thought.  I tried to hold back the tears but I knew that we should have seen more.  We went back and waited to see the doctor.

I felt like we waited forever (probably because we are idiots and had Barrett with us).  We saw the doctor and she was optimistic.  She said we were in a "normal" range for the time frame.  I once again had hope.  I had to do lab work that day and was told to come back in two days for more lab work and a week for another ultrasound.  We came home and tried to process what was going on.  We didn't tell anyone yet we were planning to wait until we knew more..  

The next day the nurse called me with my lab results and it wasn't good.  My beta level was 9,500 and she said at that level we should have seen cardiac activity on the ultrasound.  My progesterone was really low too.  The nurse basically said that this was not going to be a successful pregnancy.  (Those aren't the words or phrases she used but that's what she implied).  I was out getting lunch when I talked to her I called Patrick and got really upset.  When I went back in the office and had to tell my boss what was going on.  He was supportive and at that point it was a waiting game.  I picked Barrett up from school and we finished up some things at work.  That afternoon the bleeding got a lot worse.  I knew it was the end.  I called Patrick and then the doctor.  They wanted me to come back in Thursday morning. (This post is so long but I want it all in one spot.)  We knew we needed to tell our parents but we didn't want to upset them.  We made arrangements for my Dad to keep Barrett Thursday morning and Patrick met me at the doctor.  I was nervous and sad.  They sent us for an ultrasound and it looked exactly the same as before.  I had to see a different doctor and he basically said there wasn't a baby and there won't be a baby.  (I'm totally paraphrasing but that was the jist).  We went and got Barrett and took the rest of the day off work.  We went to lunch and came home and cuddled with Barrett and just loved on him.  We are so sad and heartbroken.  But I know there is a plan for us.  I'm sad but I can't let myself sit and dwell on what could have been.  I can't change what happened.  All I can do is focus on the future so that is what we're choosing to do.  We trust the Lord has a plan and that His plan is better than any plan we could come up with.

I have struggled with how much to share.  But I've been so supported by fellow moms that have experienced this heart break.  I hope that no one I know needs my support but I'll be there if they do.  I want women to know that no matter how common it is or how often someone tells you how common it is, until you've experienced it you can't imagine the hurt.  And knowing how common it is didn't really bring me comfort, it made me hurt for all the others that have walked in these shoes.

Separation Anxiety

We've had a hard week this week.  Barrett has developed separation anxiety and it is hard on my mommy heart.  I think the reason it's so hard for me is because I know when he's crying all he wants is for me to stay with him and hold him, but I also know that giving in to him is only going to make things worse.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the extra snuggle time.  I breaks my heart to put him to bed and him just cry for me.  He usually only cries for a few minutes but it still hurts.  He also hasn't been sleeping good.  He chewed the end off his wubanub paci and I'm trying hard to not give in to buying him another one.  I did give him another paci but he doesn't love it.  I just want to hug and comfort my baby without making him overly attached and making it worse when I do have to leave him.  It's emotionally exhausting.  Patrick kept him a couple mornings this week and he cried when I left, which made me sad.  Then the days I had him he cried when I put him down for a nap and then again when I put him down for bed.  When he's not crying he's terrorizing the dog.  I feel like I've said "no" about a million times this week.  I'm not trying to complain or sound whinny.  It's just that this is one of the hardest weeks I've had lately as a mom.  

We had early intervention on Tuesday.  We were very pleased with his progress.  He sat for an entire book.  He's playing appropriately with toys and not throwing toys as often as before.  We also had our first session with the speech therapist.  She was pleased with how much he's babbling but she gave us a few things to work on.  We'll see them both again in two weeks.

Monday I let him use the spoon with his yogurt.  I think he needs a little more practice. We've had an unusual cold front come through and it felt amazing this week.  So we've played outside and cooked with the doors open.
He looks like a little hoarder sometimes.  He gathers all of his animals and his cup and stacks them up on this push toy like it's a little cart.  It makes me laugh. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the extra snuggles I've gotten this week.  It's all been so bittersweet.  I want him to want to snuggle but then I also want him to be comfortable enough to not need me. We also went and toured the "school" where he's going to start Mother's Day Out in August.  It's been a busy, fun week.  Looking forward to the weekend!

Day One.

Today I got a new pair of boots.  I'd ordered them because my old boots will no longer zip over my calves.  I ordered wide calf boots in the hopes that I'd be able to wear them properly.  I even measured to make sure they would fit.  I bet you know where this is going...They don't fit.  They're further from zipping than the ones I already had.  It was the final blow I needed.  I pouted for a while then I laced up my running shoes and hit the pavement.  It felt so good.  Okay, actually it hurt every part of my body, but in a really good way.  I didn't go far or fast but it was a start.  I miss the bootcamp class I was in a few years ago.  (I'd have to join a gym to take it now, which I'm not completely ruling out but I'm not ready right now.)  I miss the social part of group fitness.  I need the competition.  I've got a long way to go but I know I can do it.  I've done it before, I can do it again. I need to set some goals.  Running is good for the mind and body.  It's like therapy and I've been missing it.

Today is Day One.

I can do this.

(This post is mainly just a pep talk for myself.  I've been so discouraged lately. I want to be healthy and love who I see in the mirror again.  I want to pass on healthy eating and exercise habits to my boy.  I will be this person.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  You have to start somewhere.)

Heart to Heart

I always have a hard time getting back into the groove of things after the holidays. This year I think it was worse simply due to the fact that I had two 4 day weekends in a row.  It was wonderful and I'm very thankful for the time off but it's about time to get back to my routine.

 I've been thinking about things I want to accomplish in 2012 and it's pretty much overwhelmed me. I have a hard time living my life for me. It's hard for me to be content when I see what others are doing and think I should be in the same place.  I feel like I'm simply passing through.  I get asked all the time when I'm going to have a baby.  I understand it's a natural question but when I tell people I don't know probably not anytime soon, I feel like I have to give them an explanation.  I shouldn't have to explain anything but the people pleaser in me feels like they deserve a reason.  Honestly, dressing a baby in cute smocked outfits isn't enough of a reason to bring a child into this world and right now it's the only one I've got.

January is always a dreary month for me.  I feel sad that the joy of the holiday season is all but over, college football is offically over and it's usually cold and rainy.  I've jsut now started taking down my Christmas decorations.  I just didn't want to give it up.  I love how cozy my house is at Christmas and I wasn't ready to pack it away just yet.  I rally enjoyed the holidays this year.  I didn't get as stressed as I usually do.  I think after 4 years of being married I'm finally getting the hang of gift buying and just the stress of two Christmases.

Anyways, enough of that crap...what have we been up to lately?



We celebrated my cousin Frank's 21st birthday at "The Old House" on Friday night.  It was a fun night.  Frank was surprised and his parents had tracked him down a ticket to the BCS National Championship game in New Orleans.  I'm not going to lie, I was pretty jealous.

Monday night some of the tailgate crew gathered at Matt's house to watch the big game.  (We also watched the 2009 Championship game at Matt's so I guess we're going to have to watch any other ones there too!)  It was a great game.  I couldn't have been more proud of my school. I was still very jealous of everyone that got to go to New Orleans and the game.

This is my Babo and Papa.  They were in Tuscaloosa staying with my cousin. After the big win they headed to the strip with all the students to celebrate.  Aren't they cute!

It's been a pretty good week.  I can't believe we won again.  It's a surreal feeling after the football I had to endure while I was a student.  I'm so excited and proud!  Roll Tide!