Saturday, September 7, 2013

Mommy Guilt

I struggle with "Mommy guilt" way more than I ever thought I would.

A friend of mine just moved into a new apartment this month.  One night last week I was finally able to go visit her.  I was so excited to see Brittany's new place and how she decorated it.  She has such great taste and it a great DIYer.  Everything was adorable and so perfect.  I enjoyed drinking coffee and catching up with her.  We are so alike yet different at the same time.  She is an event planner (which is what I studied in college) I love bouncing ideas off of her. We talked about Barrett's birthday and a wedding shower I'm throwing for sister-in-law to be. She just gets me.  (She's actually the reason I started this blog.  After reading about her life adventures I wanted to record my life for my family)  Anyway, I went after work and Barrett did great.  I knew it was getting close to dinner time for him and I knew it was bath night but he's was so happy that I didn't fret about it.  Well he fell asleep in the car before I got on the road good.  I had to stop by my office to get Ally and he woke up.  He screamed this pitiful, I can't believe you did this to me, scream all. the. way. home.  At one point I started crying because I felt so guilty that I didn't leave in a timely manner to get him home, fed and in the bed on time.  He continued to cry through dinner, his bath, and getting dressed for bed.  He finally quieted down after I nursed him.  I felt so guilty because I had taken him with me for the entire afternoon and Patrick only got to see him for a few minutes before bedtime.  I felt so guilty because I enjoyed myself without really worrying about what he was needing.  I put myself first and I felt guilty.
I feel guilty for wanting to wean him.  I hate getting up at 5 am to pump so he'll have a bottle at work.  I hate not being able to take my ADHD medication.  I feel guilty because breastfeeding has been fairly easy for me and there are so many people that really want to and can't.  I feel like I shouldn't take this for granted and just give up.  (I should probably stop referring to it as "giving up", maybe then it wouldn't seem so bad.)

  I feel guilty when I leave him with someone (which is rarely) especially if he is fussy.  I feel like I've ruined their day and like it's my fault he wasn't happy.  If I'm somewhere and he's fussy I feel like I should leave because who wants to be around a fussy baby.  I think that's one reason I haven't left him much.  I'm afraid he's going to be whiny and whoever is watching him isn't going to enjoy their time with him.  I know this is ridiculous especially since he is normally a happy baby.  The last week or so has been kinda rough since he's teething.
I feel guilty when we're at work and Mickey Mouse just doesn't make him happy.  Some days I feel like I spend more time entertaining him that actually working.
I have wife guilt too.  I feel guilty that I work so hard to make all of Barrett's baby food yet Patrick and I eat more fast food than I care to admit.  I feel guilty that I'm still holding on to the last forty few pounds of baby weight. Sometimes I feel guilty that Patrick does his own laundry after working 50+ hours a week.
Why do some people feel guilty about everything and some just seem to have it all together.  I'm sure not everyone that seems to manage it all are doing so.  I know I need to cut myself some slack.  Last night after Barrett was in bed Kristen and I went to Target just to walk around.  I had the best time.  I felt a little guilt for leaving Patrick when I don't spend enough time with him but he was working on a project.  He was wrapping it up as soon as I got home so it worked out perfectly.

I know this post is all over the place but I just needed to get it out.  Please tell me I'm not the only one to struggle with this.  How do y'all kick the mom guilt?



1 comment:

Toni Leake said...

Oh girl! You are definitely not the only one that feels guilty for everything. My boys are older (as in 11 and 13) and I don't feel as much guilt as when they were younger, but it's still there. I always feel like I could have done better at everything. Cooking dinner, Cleaning the house, Spending time with the family...Everything! Move forward and don't let it get you down.