We didn't know it was goodbye

 Hi, it's me again.  I'm going to pretend that it hasn't been a year since I was last here.  But it has and I'm ready to talk.  I've journaled some but this feels like a better way to work through my thoughts.

How we lost Dad...

 It all started on Thursday, February 17th.  My mom called to say that she'd taken dad to the ER with stroke like symptoms.  They wouldn't allow her to go back with him so she sat in the car in the parking lot just waiting to hear something.  I called Patrick to come home so I could go sit with her.  While I was waiting on him I called my brothers and sister and let them know what was going on.  I wasn't overly nervous or upset.  I was sure whatever it was would be treated and he'd be on his merry way.  I got to the ER and Dad facetimed us from inside.  He said the tests showed he didn't have a stroke but they thought the tumor on his brain might be bleeding (we'd known about the tumor since 2020, we were told it was nothing to worry about) they were sending him to the hospital downtown overnight for observation.  We were told one of us at a time would be able to be with him there.  We waited at the ER and watched them load him in the ambulance and followed it downtown.  

We got parked and headed in.  He texted us and told us what room he was in.  Mom went up to see him.  I sat in the lobby.  There was severe weather.  I just remember friends and family texting me asking if we were in our safe place.  I remembered being scared but also thinking there were worse places to be in a tornado. Mom came down to swap with me so I could go see him.  She was so upset.  He'd fallen before the nurse realized he was in the room.  It was shift change and the nurse was ready to be done.  She said he looked worse than when he'd facetimed us earlier.  I went up, he did look worse.  Much worse.  One of his eyes was weird.  But everything he was saying made complete sense.  He was asking about Barrett and his baseball team.  (They had just been picked that week.)  He was having trouble using the left side of his body so he had be text some clients he had showings scheduled with the next day.  "tell them I'm in the hospital but I'm ok, I should be out by morning so we shouldn't have to reschedule but I'll touch base with them in the morning".  Mom came back up.  We've never been a family that followed occupancy rules.  We were all hungry but they wanted dad to wait to eat until after the dr saw him to make sure they didn't want to run any tests.  We ordered McCallisters.  We came back in and they said he could eat. All he wanted was the pickle.  The doctor came in and thought that the tissue around the tumor was irritated and said they'd start him on some antibiotics and that should clear everything up.  That sounded easy enough.  Dad got increasingly more agitated as the night went on but the nurses and doctors all agreed it was anxiety and that he just needed some rest.  Mom and I went back and forth on if one of us should stay, which one should stay.  I didn't want him to stay alone, she didn't want to stay because she felt like he would do better without her there.  She didn't want me to stay (I was 32 weeks pregnant, I really had no business staying).  The nurse was so sweet.  She said they were going to give him something to calm him down and that it would be fine if neither of us stayed with him.  So around midnight I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him and that I'd see him tomorrow.  

The kids were out of school the next day so we'd made plans to go to a trampoline park with some friends.  I was getting ready and my mom called.  It was not good news.  Around 3:30am something happened (I'm still unsure what happened) and they had to intubate him and move him to the Neuro ICU.  They were draining blood off his brain and things didn't look good.  My mom wasn't panicked at first.  She called and said she was headed to the hospital and would update when she got there.  When she called back she just said "they said I need to call my kids to be here".  So I called Patrick and told him what was going on and for him to call his parents to come stay with the kids.  I called one of my best friends and said can you come right now and stay until the in-laws get here.  As soon as she pulled up I jumped in the car and left. My hair was wet. I'd called my little brother and sister before I left and told them they needed to come.  On the way to the hospital I called my older brother and let him know what was going on. He was out of town with his wife for her birthday.  I told them I didn't know what they needed to do, I would call him back when I got to the hospital and laid eyes on him.  My sister was the first to get there.  I didn't even stop at the desk to argue with the people about how many visitors were going to be there.  I was practically running.  

I got to the 8th floor and turned to go down the hall.  He was in the very last room and I saw my mom, sister and the doctor standing in the hall.  The doctor was so kind he said we had a lot of decisions to make.  At that moment they didn't have a lot of answers.  It was going to be a wait and see game.  We had options but we didn't have to decide right then.  He would go over everything when the boys got there.  There was another doctor that rounded that morning and we gave her the nickname "Dr Doom" because she never had good news, no one really did but she didn't sugar coat anything.  I don't even remember what she said but I asked her a question like "what is the outcome if that happens" and she was just like "he will die".  Well alrighty then.  I went out to the waiting room to call my older brother and I just broke down.  I think I said something like I don't know what to tell you.  They'd already decided they were going to come back home.  Family started getting word and showing up.  They opened a little consultation room for us to talk with the doctor.  Every time I looked up someone new was there with the same shocked, saddened look on their face.  It was comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.  I had dads phone and was trying to text the same clients we were talking to the night before.  We talked to dads broker and he stepped in and handled everything. 

There were so many people.  The people at the desk downstairs hated us.  The doctor sat down with my mom, my siblings, my dads brother and me and laid it all out.  Honestly, none of it was great.  He had a brain bleed, they did a procedure where they went in to try to find where it was bleeding and stop it.  It was unsuccessful.  We decided to leave him on the machines and monitor him and we'd take it a day at a time.  We knew that a 100% recovery was not likely.  IF he regained consciousness, he'd likely be left without use of his left side.  We knew he'd never want to be taken care of day in and day out.  But we all agreed if he could still be around in any way he would want to.  But I think we all kind of hoped it would be an all or nothing situation.  I think the hardest part was not having complete clarity of what should/could/would happen.  I had already decided I wasn't leaving that day.  I was staying with him that night.  They took him for a CT scan.  It was worse.  Although no one would tell me that, they waited until my sister was there the next day, I don't know if they were scared to tell me or if she looked more responsible but either way after that scan they knew he was not going to get better. The rest of the weekend they held us to the two visitor rule.  So I didn't go back to the hospital until Monday morning.

Saturday night my friends had all gone in together and stocked our fridge and pantry with groceries.  I had a card on the table from someone at UAB and Barrett saw it and asked if it was a ticket to go see Granddaddy.  I was so devastated in my own saddened state that it was kind of the first time that I considered what this was going to do to my kids.  My mom stayed at the hospital Saturday night and Sunday night.  My cousin came up Sunday to see him.  His wife was like you gotta play "Proud Mary" for him and when they played it he started moving his foot.  For a moment we were hopeful.  But we quickly realized it didn't mean anything really.  There was an explanation but I can't remember what it was.  We all agreed we would meet with the palliative care team on Monday and make a plan. 

Monday morning I left home early, the kids were out of school for presidents day.   I had an appointment to check on the baby scheduled that morning but I ended up just going in early and telling them my situation asking if they could see me earlier and they kindly worked me in.  I was back with my family by 9:00am.  One of my sister in laws good friends was on the palliative care team.  It was so nice to have a familiar face with us.  We agreed to free him from the vent in the ICU and if he was stable enough move him to the palliative care unit.  It was as awful as you'd imagine.  Our nurse that day was precious.  My mom, my siblings myself and our spouses were able to be there with him.  When we got back there he was snoring.  It was oddly comforting.  But also made us laugh.  It was a long day.  Most of our family was downstairs and they all took turns coming up to see us/him. At one point my little brother looked at me and said "what if he doesn't die".  Everyone assured us that we didn't need to worry about that.  Around 5:00 someone from the palliative care team came by to check on things.  He said we could move him if we wanted but didn't think it was necessary.  We were laughing and joking and I apologized to him saying something like "I promise we're all really sad we just cope with humor".  He kinda got choked up and said something like "I can see so much love in this room.  You are all very lucky to have each other."  Now, maybe he says that to everyone, but that didn't bother me. It started getting late, family from downstairs slowly came up to tell us bye.  He passed away around 9:15 at night on February 21st, 2022. We said goodbye again and just left him.  I had no idea when I left on Thursday night that it would be the last time I heard him tell me he loved me.  I wonder all the time if he knew it was worse than we did.  I think he did.  

Grief is hard and weird.  It will hit you out of nowhere.  Navigating your own grief while also trying to lead your children through their grief is one of the hardest things about all of it.  Everything feels wrong, all the time.  There has been so much joy since we lost him but everything is bittersweet.  

Andie's Birth Story

     I'm just going to pretend like it hasn't been over a year since my last post.  That was never my intention but here we are.  Life has been a lot lately and I've found myself wanting to turn back to this outlet to write and process so here I am. I'm going to start with Andie's birth story so here it goes...

    This pregnancy felt different that the previous three in a lot of ways.  Probably because I was "advanced maternal age" (you just really can't hear that enough) and because I was so busy with the other three I didn't have a lot of time to really dwell, or focus on this pregnancy.  I had gestational diabetes but other than that I felt pretty good.  But the last week I was done.  Mentally, physically, emotionally DONE.  I was scheduled for a repeat c-section on Monday, April 11th.  So that's the day we'd been planning for.  My mom was scheduled to be off work that week so she could stay with the kids.  Patrick had been scheduling all of his work around that date, everything was orchestrated around April 11th.  On Monday, April 4th, I got ready for my last weekly appointment and I packed my bag because I told Patrick, " I don't feel right".  I wasn't in pain, or labor.  I couldn't even really give you anything specific that felt off just that it wasn't exactly right.  I didn't sleep well the night before, I'd been having back spasms and just didn't feel good.  I went ahead and threw some things in my suitcase and left it at the house just in case.  But deep down I knew I wasn't coming home.  I got more and more anxious as the morning went on.   Patrick's parents came to stay with Adler and off I went.  

    I got on the scale at the doctor and I'd gained a lot of weight in the week since my last appointment but the nurse didn't act like that was a big deal.  I finally got in a room and they checked my blood pressure and it was high.  (I don't know the numbers because I didn't ask).  I've never had high blood pressure in any of my pregnancies.  So I was immediately worried. (and I'm not a worrier).  I had not mentioned to the nurse yet my uneasy feeling but she said "with that number you might not be going home".  I was relieved and anxious at the same time.  My doctor came in and checked it again and it was still high.  She said it might just be nerves but she was going to send me down to the maternal emergency department for more tests and monitoring and she would make a decision on whether to deliver me that afternoon or the next morning.  

    I got down to MED and as soon as I walked through the doors it looked like a hospital and it was a little overwhelming.  (I know this sounds crazy, but the regular maternity rooms aren't as hospital-y.) The nurse quickly got started filling out the paperwork.  Meanwhile I called Patrick to let him know that we were now looking at April 4th or 5th.  He needed to wrap up the job he was at, I told him to take his time.  Then I called my mom.  She was excited and anxious as well.  I made a plan with her for the kids and hung up the phone.  That was when the reality of the moment set in and I just sobbed.  The poor nurse asked me if I was ok.  I told her I was sorry, but I'd very unexpectedly lost my dad just 6 weeks earlier and he was my person.  He would have been that call and he would have dropped everything and made the plan and had the kids everywhere they needed to be.  My mom there to help him with whatever he told her to do but he was always the mastermind.  I couldn't wait to meet this baby but I was devastated that he never would.  

    We got the results from the blood work and my doctor decided to go ahead and admit me and schedule the csection for Tuesday morning, April 5th.  I was going to get one vacation night in the hospital.  I was not so secretly excited for the night to rest and relax, but I still felt the mom guilt of not having everything perfectly ready at home for the kids and my mom to make it as easy as possible.  Patrick brought me my suitcase and then he went back home to take Barrett to baseball practice so my mom could go to my nephews first teeball game.  I ate dinner and settled in for the night.  He got back around 10:00 and we went to sleep as best we could.  We were going to meet our last baby the next day.

   I was scheduled for 8:45.  I got up around 5:30 and took a quick shower.  They wanted to get the baby on the monitor and start the fluids and all that around 6:30.  She kept kicking the monitor off so the nurse kept having to come in a adjust it.  She'd been content and then all of a sudden two nurses came in quickly and started looking at the monitor and had me turn on my side.  The baby's heartrate was dropping and they couldn't get it stable.  It was around 8:00 and they decided to go ahead and take me down to the OR and bump the earlier csection.  I was nervous but also so thankful.  

    We got in the OR, the spinal went in beautifully, I asked for the clear drape.  I also threw up before we even got started.  Mostly nerves, I'm sure.  It took a little longer to get through all the scar tissue.  I also had a uterine window, so it was a very good thing I didn't go into labor.  It wasn't long until I heard that sweet new baby cry.  They held her up to the drape so I could see her and she looked so tiny.  Dr. Crowe said she felt "pretty sturdy".  She looked just like her sisters.  They brought her over so I could touch her and then took her over to weigh her.  The OR felt different this time.  More serious for sure.  I heard Dr. Crowe tell the nurse to call up to the office to tell them she was going to be a little longer than normal.  I thought that was odd but didn't think much about it.  Then the anthesiologist came back in and the CRNA (I'm probably not correct with these titles) was quietly talking to him.  I looked at Patrick and he could tell I was worried and I could see the concern on his face too.  He just kept looking at me and saying it's ok.  We knew something wasn't right but didn't know what.  We could hear the baby so we knew she was ok.  They did say she needed oxygen but she was fine.  

    Dr. Crowe asked the nurse to call back up to the office and tell them that anyone that needed to see her needed to reschedule or see another doctor in the practice.  Finally, the doctor told us what was going on.  There was so much scar tissue my bladder was higher than it was supposed to be so while trying to cut through the scar tissue my bladder got nicked.  The CRNA, told me if I started to feel the pain they could give me more drugs.  They called in doctor from another hospital to repair my bladder.  After they told us what was going on with me, they came over with Andie and told us she needed to go to the NICU for observation.  She just needed a little more oxygen.  They strongly encouraged Patrick to go with her.  The other doctor got there and they got me put back together.  I was going to have to go home with a catheter for a week but everything would heal back normally.  Patrick was outside waiting for me.  Andie was doing great.  I was relieved.

    I got in the room and got somewhat settled. I called my mom and the first thing I said was "we're both ok."  I knew she was beyond worried that it had been nearly 2 hours since I went back for my 30 minute csection.  She was so relieved to hear from us.  Patrick went back to the NICU to check on Andie.  The nurse came in and told me they would probably bring her back to my room around 1:00 but if I wanted to go to the NICU they would wheel me down there.  The thought of getting out of the bed and into a wheel chair sounded excruciating so I stayed put and tried to rest a bit.  

    I'll wrap this story up here.  I knew that her birth and the hospital would stir up all the emotions and it did.  But I felt such peace and overall gratitude that she came early and was healthy.  I get overwhelmed when I think of Andie's life, and how every detail was perfectly orchestrated.  When we first told we were pregnant I said her due date was April 18th but I knew I'd have a repeat csection the week before.  My dad mentioned a few times that April 5th was his dad's birthday (My granddaddy).  So for that to be her birthday couldn't have been more perfect.    

Adler 5 Months

 

Adler is 5 months old.  I know I say it every month but I can hardly believe she's already 5 months old.  Time is truly flying by!

You are finally sleeping in your crib all night.  While we were in quarantine we accomplished this and I am so proud!  You don't usually go down until 8:30-9:30 at night (it's just the time of life we're in, some nights we don't get home before 9:00).  You usually sleep until 6:30-7:30.  You're by far my best napper.  You usually nap for around 2 hours in the morning, a little cat nap in the middle of the day, a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon and then another little cat nap before bedtime.

You weigh 15.9lbs and I measured you right at 25" long.  You take 6 ounces 5 times a day!  You're wearing 3-6 month clothes and a few 6 month things.  You're wearing a size 3 diaper! 

You can roll from back to belly and belly to back!  You did it for the first time at small group.  We were all supposed to be watching a video but we were all watching you roll all over the floor.  It was so sweet!  Then you just passed out in the floor, you wore yourself out.  

You've been the best on the go baby!  You've gone to baseball and my workouts and you just sit and watch.  

You really are the easiest, sweetest baby!  The big kids are still obsessed with you!  I keep thinking they're going to get tired of you but so far they haven't!  It's really sweet!

Adler 4 Months

 

Adler is 4 months old!  Time flies when you're having fun!  We're having a ball with you!  This month was your first snow day and first Valentines day!  You are by far the biggest "talker" of the three as a baby.  I guess you've got a lot to say to keep up around here.  You are the most dramatic too which is a little terrifying!

You weigh 14 pounds, 7 ounces and are 24.5 inches tall/long.  You wear 3 month and 3-6 month clothes and we moved up to size 3 diapers.  You take 6 ounces 4-5 times a day.  You want to drop your last feeding but you need the ounces.  You're still sleeping pretty good.  You've started kind of waking up and whining but not really waking up.  We're trying to transition you to the crib, the first night you slept until 4:30 without waking.  The second night you were up nearly every hour whining but not really crying.  We're going to keep trying because you're about to outgrow the rock 'n play that you've been sleeping in.   You usually take 3 good naps and one little cat nap everyday.  You nap well in your crib when we're home, we're just not home enough. ( We're home for the next 10 days in quarantine so getting you to sleep in your crib for all naps and all night is my main goal).  

You are the sweetest "on the go" baby.  We wrapped up basketball season but we're getting ready to dive into baseball season.  You just go with the flow, thank goodness!  We started a small group with a few other families from church and you just slept and then sat in my lap the whole time.  You were just the sweetest!

Highlights this month: Your first snow day.  First Valentines Day, you will roll to your side so you're getting close to making it all the way over.   You try to sit up all the time.  You want to hold your bottle.  You are so loud and it makes me laugh so much.  If you're talking and no on is paying you any attention you just get louder and louder until we acknowledge you.  After your shots Monday,  you were just pitiful.  I was always able to calm your brother and sister down before we left the little exam room to walk out of the office.  Not you, you just screamed and screamed.  When we walked by the nurses station you just looked right at them and poked that little lip out and screamed some more.  You wanted everyone to know how upset you were.  

It's been a fun month!

Christmas

 Christmas 2020 looked different for us, just like most people.  We still enjoyed many of the same traditions but it just all felt so different.  First of all, last year we gifted the kids a tip to Disney World and were busy planning and looking forward to that.  We were excited to see what Santa brought this year and knew the kids would be excited but I was a little sad we didn't have a fun trip to look forward to.

Christmas Eve we usually go to my Grandmother's house for lunch but she now lives in the apartment at my parents house so we cancelled Christmas Eve because we would see her Christmas Day.  So we had all day Christmas Eve to be at home and just relax.  

We got ready and went to Mass at 4:30.   After Mass we went to my parents house to visit a bit before we headed home to get ready for Santa.

We somehow ran out of time to bake cookies for Santa so we left him candy canes instead. 

We hugged Mr Elf goodbye.  

It proved to be a little more dramatic than I was anticipating.  She was distraught that Mr. Elf had to leave.  I was not expecting this reaction.  

Last picture as a 7 year old.

The kids were wired and I didn't think they'd ever go to sleep.  I was up washing bottles in the kitchen and I turned around and Barrett was standing in the kitchen.  Santa had already come and left their gifts in the living room. I was a little upset because I knew he'd probably already seen them.  When Patrick came in the kitchen he led Barrett back to his room to go back to sleep.  At one point both big kids were in our bed and Patrick got mad and got up and went to Barrett's bed.  I knew it was going to be a long day.

This is a terrible picture of all the goodies Santa left.  Barrett got a nintendo switch (the only thing he asked for), AveryAnn got a jeep and Adler got a glow worm.  They all were apparently very good this year.

She has a nicer car than me.  I'm not jealous at all.

This is my favorite mug.

Matching jammies on her first christmas.

13th annual Christmas morning pj picture.  

I love this one so much.  This year has been so wild but it has been so joyful.

The big kids wanted her to enjoy all of her gifts.

After we opened all of our gifts at home we headed to my parents house for brunch.  I didn't take a single picture of the Christmas mess there.  I can't believe I didn't get one picture.  The kids had a blast.  We had a big fire in the fireplace.  We gifted everyone tickets to go to the Glow Wild lantern festival at the zoo the week after Christmas.  It was similar to what we saw in Huntsville a couple of years ago and we knew everyone would enjoy it.  After brunch we headed downstairs to my grandmother's house for lunch.  This year is so different with her and my aunt in the basement but it's been really nice to get to spend so much time with them.  After lunch we headed back upstairs for Barrett's birthday. 

I can not believe he is 8 years old.  It just really doesn't seem possible.

For dinner we headed to the Hortons.

The only picture I took there.  We had a wonderful meal and enjoyed our time with them as well this year.  

It wasn't the same.  My sister and her husband didn't get to come to my parents and Patrick's brother and his family didn't get to come to his parents all because of COVID.  But we made the most of it.  I could easily be sad or bitter thinking of all the things COVID has taken from us this year, but I'm trying my best to choose JOY.

Adler Three Months

 

Adler Marie, you are three months old.  One-fourth of your first year is behind us!  It feels like forever and no time at all.  You are growing and changing right before our eyes.  I feel like you're growing so much faster than your brother and sister did.  We've all enjoyed you so much this month.  We celebrated your first Christmas and it was perfect.  You are a perfect go with the flow baby and we're so glad you're ours.

You weigh around 13.5lbs and are around 25" long.  (I'm not entirely sure either of those stats are 100% accurate but we're going with it).  You wear 3 month or 3-6 month clothes.  You're wearing a size 2 diaper and you go through about 5-6 each day.  AveryAnn is the official diaper change helper.  You eat 4-6oz every 3-4 hours during the day.  Right now you usually eat at 7:00am, 10-11:00am, 2-3:00pm, 5-6:00pm and 8-9:00pm.  You got to sleep around 9:30-10 and sleep until 7:00am.  You're sleeping great at night.  You've made it one night in your crib.  We've got to make that transition but it's been tricky.  You've napped in the crib a couple of times and done well.  I think if I could ever be home for a couple days where you could take all of your naps in the crib you could transition more easily but we're never home it seems.

You take 3-4 naps during the day, they range from 45 minutes to 2 hours.  I started working a few hours a week while AveryAnn is in school and you've done so well at the office.  You usually nap most of the time we're there.  We've started going on lots of walks outside when the weather permits.  You're pretty content in the stroller, thank goodness.  We've gone hiking a time or two as well.  Barrett is playing basketball right now and you've enjoyed watching the games.  The buzzer scares you every single time.  We've also gone to Mass several times.  You have been an angel baby there too.  

You have found your voice this month and you "talk" all the time.  Your sister is convinced she can "speak baby" and she interprets for you often.  We love hearing what she thinks you're saying!  

Highlights this month include, your first Christmas, your first trip to the zoo for Glow Wild, your first basketball game, lots of trips to the park and a few hours at the office.  Its been so much fun watching you grow and watching how much we all love you.  We are so thankful for you!

Santa Visits

We weren't sure what our visits with Santa would look like this year.  Our church has had cookies with Santa the last couple of years with the best Santa.  He has an accent and his just the best.  We also usually go to Bass Pro Shops and see Santa there because we've had that tradition since my brothers kids were little.  But this year we didn't know what to expect!  

What we got was the sweetest, most magical visit at our church.  We got to sit with him, without our masks on (he wore the clear sheild).  The kids were amazed.  We were able to sit and talk as long as we wanted and it was just perfect!

I just love these pictures.  

All 5 of us!

The outfits I'd orginally bought to see Santa in didn't arrive in time so they wore there pjs.  I was so upset that the outfits didn't come but the pjs turned out so cute.  The bottom of Adler's were a hit.  

After we saw Santa we went up to Cullman and had dinner at Carlton's.  It's one of our favorites but we only manage to get up there about once a year.  It was our first public outing as a family of 5.  I was nervous how dinner would go but it was just perfect.  The big kids ate all their dinner.  I fed Adler as soon as we sat down and then she sat in her carseat and just watched us.  She got a little fussy but I was able to hold her and she went to sleep.  It was a really sweet time.

After dinner we headed over to see the Christmas Pyramid and the lights in the park.  

Dad mode.

These two have been so much fun this season.

We tried to get a picture with all 5 of us.  This was the best we got!

After this we went to a drive through light display.  It was such a fun night with my little family! 

 

The weekend before Christmas we wanted to do our annual trip to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. This year you had to have an appointment.  Our store didn't have any times available but the Cabela store in Huntsville had some so we booked a time there.  We decided to make a night of it and had another fun family night.

After we saw Santa we made our way to Big Spring Park to see the Tinsel Trail.  There were so many trees, it was so pretty!

Although the kids favorite part was feeding the ducks.

After the park we were all starving.  So I googled a restaurant.  When we got there it looked like a bar from the outside, so we were a little nervous but it ended up being perfect. 

I was so nervous adding a baby to the mix this year.  I was worried we wouldn't be able to just pick up and go like we'd been able to.  Our kids have gotten to such easy, fun ages I knew it would be different.  Yes, it's more work, and not as easy but its still so much fun.  The big kids are a big help.  They love their baby sister and they just just as excited to take her and show her off as we do.  It really is the sweetest.