The Club No Mom Wants to Join

I've gone back and forth on whether or not I wanted to post this.  (I'm still not sure if I'll ever it publish. But I guess if you're reading it you know I took the plunge) We've been on a bit of a roller coaster the last few weeks.  I joined a club two weeks ago that no woman ever wants to join.  I had a miscarriage.  We are, of course, heartbroken and sad.  For 4 weeks we've been planning a life with this sweet baby.  We've been planning a new "Big Boy Room" for Barrett.  We've been planning a new nursery (even though I pretty much want it to look exactly like the original nursery).  We've talked names and double strollers.  We've talked about Barrett becoming a big brother and what it's going to be like having two kids when the holidays roll around.  For 4 weeks that sweet baby was very real.

We had not told anyone.  We were planning to tell our parents after our first appointment.  The only people that knew were my little brother and sister-in-law (and my friend Brittany, but only because I didn't drink a margarita at a mexican restaurant.)  We enjoyed it being our little secret.  I didn't want anyone worrying (which is ironic now).  Everything was going well.  I was limiting myself to one cup of coffee in the morning and no sodas.  I was taking my vitamins everyday, I always forgot with Barrett.  I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Barrett I knew immediately he was a boy.  I just had a feeling.  I had no gut feelings this time.  Which I told Patrick was kind of odd to me since I was so sure with Barrett.  I didn't think much of it.  We were scheduled for our first appointment Tuesday, February 10th.  We were like any expectant parents excited and nervous.  That morning I started bleeding.  Not a whole lot but enough to be a concern.  I wasn't having any pain so I tried to tell myself that everything was fine.  

We got to the doctors office.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon.  They immediately sent us over for an ultrasound to ease our minds.  By my calculations I should have been 7 weeks 4 days.  With Barrett we saw the heartbeat so that's what we fully expected to see and hear.  We went in for the ultrasound.  The tech got started and I knew she didn't see what we were expecting to see.  I remember with Barrett she almost immediately told us she saw the heartbeat and we got to hear it.  You could have heard crickets this time.   She finished and was so sweet to us.  She told us there was no baby, just a gestational sac.  She said I could be not as far along as I thought.  I tried to hold back the tears but I knew that we should have seen more.  We went back and waited to see the doctor.

I felt like we waited forever (probably because we are idiots and had Barrett with us).  We saw the doctor and she was optimistic.  She said we were in a "normal" range for the time frame.  I once again had hope.  I had to do lab work that day and was told to come back in two days for more lab work and a week for another ultrasound.  We came home and tried to process what was going on.  We didn't tell anyone yet we were planning to wait until we knew more..  

The next day the nurse called me with my lab results and it wasn't good.  My beta level was 9,500 and she said at that level we should have seen cardiac activity on the ultrasound.  My progesterone was really low too.  The nurse basically said that this was not going to be a successful pregnancy.  (Those aren't the words or phrases she used but that's what she implied).  I was out getting lunch when I talked to her I called Patrick and got really upset.  When I went back in the office and had to tell my boss what was going on.  He was supportive and at that point it was a waiting game.  I picked Barrett up from school and we finished up some things at work.  That afternoon the bleeding got a lot worse.  I knew it was the end.  I called Patrick and then the doctor.  They wanted me to come back in Thursday morning. (This post is so long but I want it all in one spot.)  We knew we needed to tell our parents but we didn't want to upset them.  We made arrangements for my Dad to keep Barrett Thursday morning and Patrick met me at the doctor.  I was nervous and sad.  They sent us for an ultrasound and it looked exactly the same as before.  I had to see a different doctor and he basically said there wasn't a baby and there won't be a baby.  (I'm totally paraphrasing but that was the jist).  We went and got Barrett and took the rest of the day off work.  We went to lunch and came home and cuddled with Barrett and just loved on him.  We are so sad and heartbroken.  But I know there is a plan for us.  I'm sad but I can't let myself sit and dwell on what could have been.  I can't change what happened.  All I can do is focus on the future so that is what we're choosing to do.  We trust the Lord has a plan and that His plan is better than any plan we could come up with.

I have struggled with how much to share.  But I've been so supported by fellow moms that have experienced this heart break.  I hope that no one I know needs my support but I'll be there if they do.  I want women to know that no matter how common it is or how often someone tells you how common it is, until you've experienced it you can't imagine the hurt.  And knowing how common it is didn't really bring me comfort, it made me hurt for all the others that have walked in these shoes.